Friday, August 31, 2007

sadness

I saw a picture of a friend of mine who lost her baby due to a genetic disorder at 30 weeks. Her eyes look so heavy, and my heart just breaks for her. You can see how she is physically burdened by the loss, and I feel completely helpless. I wish I could do something to magically make it better. I wish I could come up with some sort of encouragemnt, but what words can be of any comfort to grieving parent who has lost their child? I struggle with this because I know how my loss has affected me. How much greater is her loss, having actually held her little girl in her arms, lifeless. I just don't understand why God allows such loss, I really don't. I struggle with this all the time. Why did God bless me with a perfectly healthy child 3 years ago in the situation I was in, but yet this couple that did things the RIGHT way, and want a child so bad, have to walk thru this unspeakable mourning. I just don't get it, and perhaps never will. I do know there is a pit in my throat, trying to choke back tears for this friend.

so proud, but not for long!

Wednesday was such a great day for me. i felt wonderful all day long and didn't get sick once. It was a miracle! We had my parents over for dinner, and I cooked everything and ate and still wasn't sick. It was a such a pleasant day. One good day. Then thursday morning, I woke up and went to the bathroom as I usually do. Out of no where I threw up all over myself. Normally, I atleast have a little bit of a warning and can hop up. (sorry if this is too much info for you). But yesterday, I had no warning, and was totally grossed out. it was at this point that I became upset. As I hopped into the shower, I thought about how I've lost control over my whole body. I don't decide when I have to go to the bathroom any more. I don't decide if I want to sleep or if/when or for how long. I don't decide if food is going to stay down or not. And this is quite a frustrating feeling, and knowing that my body will be in this state for several more months was even more upsetting. So yesterday, not only was a sick all day long, but I was randomly sobbing over the fact that I had lost control over myself. Oh, yeah, and I don't decide if/when I will cry. Hopefully this weekend at the beach will do me some good.

my dear husband....

Bless his heart. The man no longer has much room in the bed any more. He's been replaced by two "ladies". "ladies" is a family term for body pillows (don't ask where the Sumners come up with such things!) and I've discovered the wonderfulness of having one on both sides of me, which has forced my beloved hubby to have little to no room. He puts me to bed knowing full well when he is ready to go to bed that he will have to figure out a way to move me ever so slightly so he doesn't wake me up, but so he can still have some space to sleep. Thank you Kenney for putting up with the moodiness, the puking, the back aches, the sometimes restless nights, and everything else I failed to mention.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Recipes...

Ok, I'm on a quest for yummy recipes!!! I need to expand our menu drastically beyond what we have. We'll take any and all recipes that don't involve eggplant or liver. =) Thanks! You can post here or email them to Cookemonstersmom@Aol.com

Monday, August 27, 2007

Mistakes...

So, Kenney and I decided to venture out of the house last night because we needed some items that couldn't wait (toothpaste, deodorant, pullups for B, etc). We had some things to return also so we figured a Sunday night would be a great night to go out to Wal-Mart & Target.

I ran into Target by myself while Kenney & B waited in the car because it was raining. I was only going into the front desk to return something, so I figured it would be much quicker this way. IT WAS SWAMPED. It looked like it was Christmas or something in there. What we failed to realize, having no school-aged children of our own, was that this was the last night before the kiddos headed back to school, and therefore, everyone felt it was better to wait til Sunday night to stock up on school supplies. The lines for the registers were ridiculous, so apparently, they opened up Customer Service to those checking out just as I was walking in to the store.

As I walked up to the service counter, about 10 people with huge baskets hopped in front of me. I was very irritated to say the least. It would have taken me all of maybe 2 minutes to return my 5 stationary items and leave. But instead, it ended up taking FOR-frickin'-EVER because of the million school supplies the people in front of me were buying. I mean how many packs of paper does one family need?!? 20 seems to be excessive when you have 2 children who didn't look older than 7. But anyways, I was reminded about the sermon we had listened to just that morning. He was speaking about being patient and looking for the opportunities that were around us, even in the grocery store. *sigh* Perhaps this was my test. Was I really paying attention to what the Pastor had just spoken about?

Well, I didn't huff and puff as I usually would have when people were being annoying in a check out line. Even when the kid decided he wanted to count out his pennies to pay for his 7 dollar toy. Or when the father decided he needed to argue with the lady about the price of a backpack. Or when it was FINALLY my turn to be helped and some lady came from the back of the store with a huge basket of items and the cashier took her before me because she had brought in something to exchange.

*On a side note, I think it is incredibly rude to bring 50+ items back with you when you go to exchange an item, and want to check out when there is clearly a long line of people who have been waiting while you shopped. And the cashier could have said I can do this exchange for you, but then you'll have to get in line to check out the rest of her items. She really had atleast 50 other items in her cart. I counted, and stopped at 50 because I was beginning to get angry.*

But alas, the items finally got returned, and we ventured on to Wal-Mart. Crazy of us, I know. But we needed to get the pullups for Braydon. If it weren't for the cheap walmart brand we use, I would've gone to walgreens or food lion to get the other things. But we save atleast 5 bucks a pack going to Wal-Mart, so off we went. This time, however, we were armed with a plan. Kenney & Braydon would begin to get the things we needed on our list from the back of the store forward, while I returned a sleeper that we had bought. (it was soooo stinkin cute, but it was a baseball sleeper.) *sigh*

We managed to get out of there in pretty decent time, because we only had like 15 things and could check out in electronics. =) My advice to all, please check with your local school system BEFORE heading out shopping on a Sunday evening.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

identities...

I know I've been struggling with the idea that we're having a girl since we found out about a week ago. I think I've finally figured out why I was so unnerved by the discovery of her being a HER. I was worried that I have nothing to offer her. I don't like doing my hair. My hair is always pulled in a ponytail or half way up. I don't curl it unless its a super special occasion because its so thick and takes forever. I RARELY blow it dry either because I just don't want to take the hour to do it. (thats how long it takes cuz my hair is so long & thick!) i hate painting my toes & shaving my legs. I despise going to get my eyebrows done (although this is something that i always find myself doing). I don't wear a lot of make up, and I'm much more comfortable at football and basketball games than I am at a ballet class. But the other night, I was cleaning up the dishes from dinner and baking cookies while watching Braydon & kenney outside in our back yard playing catch with the baseball. I grabbed my camera & rushed upstairs to the room that will be Makenna's room & took pictures of them playing without them knowing it. As I was standing there watching my boys, I think it finally dawned on me that it will be ok to have a little girl. I scrapbook, I love photography, I love theater. I can do these things with her. And I'm sure I'll get over the fact that I have no clue how to do someone else's hair. And I'm sure that eventually I'll enjoy somethings that I hate doing now simply because I get to do them with my daughter. She is something that is half kenney & half me, so she can't be all that girly anyways, can she?! haha. =)

I'm also nervous because I know nothing about how to take care of little girls. With Braydon, I was told to cover him with a diaper or wipe while I changed him. I only had him pee on me once, and that was my own fault. We were in NY visiting my family when he was 3 months old, and I was changing him downstairs. My dad was in the room, and I saw Braydon squeezing his cheeks tight, and I thought it was hilarious, so I held him up for my dad to see. He laughed too, and just as he laughed, Braydon released his cheeks and peed on me. Apparently he was squeezin' em for a reason. But anyways, with girls I heard they can get infections, and you have to wipe them a certain way. Even at daycare, all of my babies were boys when I was in the baby room. I guess I'll just have to learn, huh?

Anyways, I've come to accept the fact that its a girl. I even bought her an outfit to come home in. It's not pink, but it has a little pink on it. I'll be 21 weeks tomorrow and I'm itching for her to be here. I can't wait to hold her and count her fingers and toes.

Monday, August 20, 2007

Pepto pink??

Ok, I have to admit it...I'm not a girly girl. Shocked, aren't you?!? When we found out we were having a girl, we kinda had to re think our idea for her room. We had plan to do a zoo animal/safari theme, but the things we had bought were very much boyish. So we went back to the drawing board...Then we went to Walmart and the girl things were WAYYYYYYYYY pink. SO much pink that it made me sick to my stomach like Pepto does. Maybe its the color. Maybe it's the association. Either way, I was like NO WAY am I going to have a room full of pepto. So then we thought we'll just go with Winnie the Pooh, which is what we chose for Braydon. We still have all of the stuff for the crib and the room. it was decided. But then we went to Babies R Us yesterday afternoon and looked around. Wow, that was an experience. =)

There was this one group of people in the infant care section. By group, I mean atleast 15 people that were obviously there together. Looking & talking rather loudly about maternity belts and how important they are for whoever the pregnant one out of the bunch was. I mean come on. How many people does it take to register in a store. You, your husband, your parents, and siblings, and grandparents, oh, and can't forget Aunt (fill in the blank) or cousin whoever...I mean they literally were clogging up the aisles, Kenney & I couldn't even get to one another. And they left the cart out in the middle & saw that people were trying to get through with their carts, but they just left it. ugh. I'm all about family and stuff, but if you take this many people with you to register, how many people will be in the delivery room? Or worse, how many people did it take to conceive?!?!?

Ok, well, back to the whole room decor thing...We looked around and everything we liked was way to boyish. And the few girly ones that we deemed decent were WAY too expensive. So finally, we decided on just going with neutral colors. We picked a lavendar colored crib bumper, with a sage dust ruffle & sheet and a multi-colored blanket. Then we found a mobile & a lampshade we liked so here is our not-so-pepto girly decor...




HALFWAY!!!!

It's been a long 20 weeks, that's for sure. Still getting sick as a dog, but I know it can't last forever. Hey, in 20 weeks, it'll be over, right?!? =) We had our 20 week ultrasound, and everything looked great. They said the u/s put us right on track with the due date, so January 4th is still our date. We even got to have a 4d view of our little baby....GIRLLLL!!! That's right its a girl! I about died when I heard it was a girl, and I made the lady check several times, because I swore it was a boy. But hey, we'll have one of each. =) Here are a picture of our little baby girl!



And here's our official halfway picture (excuse the look, kenney kinda took it without telling me when he was going to take it!)

Monday, August 13, 2007

19 weeks



This is my almost half way picture! We find out in two days what we're going to have! I kinda think my dad's a little bit more excited than us, but perhaps it's just cuz I'm nervous. I talked with Kenney about my concerns, and he was a little hurt that I hadn't talked to him sooner about it. I know I should have, but I didn't want him to worry too. But as my sister said, I'm not going to be anxious about anything, but we'll just keep praying about it. That and as Bob marley says " dont worry bout a thing cuz every little thing is gonna be alright!" =) Either way, I'm going to enjoy the next couple of days not focusing on what could be wrong. I've got a house that's been torn apart b/c of us getting ready for this yard sale this weekend. I need to clean it and my car and then finish getting things ready for the yard sale. =)

Friday, August 10, 2007

Concerns...

I have many now. I wake up in the middle of the night, really upset. Nightmares are normal, I know. But these nightmares remain in my mind weeks after I've had them. i can tell you the exact details. Something is wrong with the baby, thats what most of them are about. They hand me my baby, and its not breathing. They tell me that the baby doesn't have a heartbeat. I see the cord wrapped around its neck and I scramble to undo it, but it only makes it worse. they say that there are some complications, and that the baby is going to be seriously ill. They are terrible. I wake up crying, and go into the bathroom or downstairs so kenney won't hear me. I have this horrible fear that something will be wrong when we go to the doctor next week for the ultrasound. I haven't said anything at all, even to Kenney, just because I know the response that I will get: "Oh, it will be fine. Nothings wrong, etc. etc." But perhaps it was talking with my sister today that made me actually want to write about my fears. Maybe it was seeing a friend of mine's pictures of her stillborn baby girl. Either way, there is this pit in my stomach that something might be wrong with this baby. Rachel said she was worried about her baby too but wasn't with Noah, and she was so thankful that she had the ultrasound and that everything looked healthy. I wasn't affraid with Braydon either. I was worried that I might miscarry, but I was excited about going to get my ultrasound with him. never once did it cross my mind that something might be horribly wrong with him. This time, I'm worried that they'll see something wrong. Maybe it's because if something is wrong, I'm worried that we won't be able to handle it. Or that it will cause problems that I don't even want to discuss. Or maybe it's just that I'm affraid that it was something that I did. Or is it because I just can't face the idea of more loss.

I'm not too sure, and I know these are perfectly normal feelings, but its just almost too much to bare. I also know I shouldn't leave Kenney out of things like this, but I just don't want him to start worrying too. But what if something is indeed wrong?

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Pics of Braydon playing and being silly

These are his "monster teeth" he got from Chuck E Cheese





Tuesday, August 7, 2007

a 911 call...

Ok, so this morning my parents came by and we went swimming at our pool at 10 in the AM. it was nice b/c no one else was there. Then we had pizza, and b went to take a nap. Then he woke up. and we played. then we hopped back into the pool. nice narrative, huh? But aside from the blistering heat (which is bout to KILL me!! ) we went to kfc to grab some chicken. While I was in there I noticed a lady walk in shortly after us. When we left with our chicken (this took about 10 minutes) we walked to the car, and i noticed a car right next to me with two young children sitting in the car. One was in a car seat. The windows were rolled down, but no parent was around. Just as I got out to get the license plate to call 911, I saw the lady walking towards the car. I still got the license plate and called 911 as I left. I mean i know its a pain in the butt sometimes to lug a kid, let alone two kids, even if it is only for a minute or two. But I mean, COME ON PEOPLE. It was 100 degrees here today, and the heat index said it felt like 105!!! And for 10 minutes she left them alone. Ugh. It made me sick. Normally I don't get involved, but this was crazy. She had better get something for leaving those kids like that. maybe i should call dss, but im sure the police took care of it. i saw them pull up as I was leaving. Some people shouldn't be allowed to have children.