Friday, August 10, 2007


I have many now. I wake up in the middle of the night, really upset. Nightmares are normal, I know. But these nightmares remain in my mind weeks after I've had them. i can tell you the exact details. Something is wrong with the baby, thats what most of them are about. They hand me my baby, and its not breathing. They tell me that the baby doesn't have a heartbeat. I see the cord wrapped around its neck and I scramble to undo it, but it only makes it worse. they say that there are some complications, and that the baby is going to be seriously ill. They are terrible. I wake up crying, and go into the bathroom or downstairs so kenney won't hear me. I have this horrible fear that something will be wrong when we go to the doctor next week for the ultrasound. I haven't said anything at all, even to Kenney, just because I know the response that I will get: "Oh, it will be fine. Nothings wrong, etc. etc." But perhaps it was talking with my sister today that made me actually want to write about my fears. Maybe it was seeing a friend of mine's pictures of her stillborn baby girl. Either way, there is this pit in my stomach that something might be wrong with this baby. Rachel said she was worried about her baby too but wasn't with Noah, and she was so thankful that she had the ultrasound and that everything looked healthy. I wasn't affraid with Braydon either. I was worried that I might miscarry, but I was excited about going to get my ultrasound with him. never once did it cross my mind that something might be horribly wrong with him. This time, I'm worried that they'll see something wrong. Maybe it's because if something is wrong, I'm worried that we won't be able to handle it. Or that it will cause problems that I don't even want to discuss. Or maybe it's just that I'm affraid that it was something that I did. Or is it because I just can't face the idea of more loss.

I'm not too sure, and I know these are perfectly normal feelings, but its just almost too much to bare. I also know I shouldn't leave Kenney out of things like this, but I just don't want him to start worrying too. But what if something is indeed wrong?

1 comment:

American Mum said...

The reason you're worrying so much (and why I worried) is because you have nothing else to worry about. Last time there were bigger worries. This time, with that out of the way you're left with the normal wories of every woman who's responsible for providing a growing baby a safe place to live for 9 months. As long as you've been eating healthy, you have a very small chance of something going wrong (at least according to The Best Odds Diet - something like 90%?) Just try not to think about it until the ultrasound. Worrying won't help anything. And they also say that after one healthy pregnancy, you have a good chance of another healthy pregnancy. And when it comes down to it, you have to chose not to "be anxious about anything, but in everything, with prayer and petition, present your request to God. And the peace of God which trancends all understanding with guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."