Thursday, October 4, 2007

Mixed feelings

This month is a month of mixed emotions for me. The idea that is now fall makes me excited and makes me long to be in NY where I grew up. To go to the apple farm with my grandma and pick apples. To see the trees from accross Canandaigua Lake begin to change color and make their descent to the ground.

To know that I am almost in my 3rd trimester makes me anxious about Makenna's arrival. Will we have everything we need for her? Will I know what to do with a baby girl? I'm so thankful I worked in the nursery for 8 months to keep me used to the idea of babies. And thankfully, I'm only having one & I had 6 in there at one time.

October also brings a tinge of sadness to my heart as well. It marks a day that I lost one of my babies, as well as Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day (which ironically fall on the same day). I know that it has all worked according to God's plan. I may never have met Kenney had it not been for this loss. I know that my dad is always concerned when I mention the fact that I still remember these days. But I choose to remember them, and know that they are in a better place, and that their existance, although for only a short time, has helped me become who I am today. I grieve for a short period of time, knowing that God has blessed me with a healthy little boy and a daughter, whom I get to feel moving every day and look forward to holding...

I'm also a little sad that I can't see my sister. I miss her and Noah, and okay, even Michal. =) I want to be there to help her. I want to go shopping together, and let the boys play together. Even Braydon has been missing his Aunt Rachel. We were at the pumpkin farm yesterday when Braydon saw a woman who was pregnant and kind of looked like Rachel. He ran up to her and yelled "RACHEL!!!" and he got all sad when he realized it wasn't her. It almost made me cry, and was so glad that he didn't stay sad for long when he saw all the pumpkins.

With that said, hurry up and come home Rachel, Michal, Noah & Unnamed baby!!

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